Henderson Hills Baptist Church

Do Not Provoke Your Children

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Eph 6:1-4 (ESV)

In yesterday’s Didomi, we considered the command and promise that God gives to Christian children. Let’s look at the other side of the coin now as Paul turns his attention to the role of the Spirit-filled parent. We find two primary commands and main applications in these verses. Paul starts with a negative imperative, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger….” The word “fathers” is primarily a word to the male parent; however, it occasionally is a word that simply refers to parents in general. In this verse, I see no reason to believe that any other translation is necessary as a command to a Spirit-filled husband and father yet it also sets the tone of both parent’s approach to child rearing. What are these Spirit-filled fathers to do? Actually, again, this is a negative imperative; they are not to provoke their children to anger.

In the Greco-Roman culture, the father’s supremacy was essentially absolute. If he didn’t want his wife to have a child, the husband could require an abortion. Unwanted children, especially girls and children who were developmentally delayed, would simply be taken out of the home and released onto the streets. Christianity changed all of that. The New Testament writers did not see children as possessions but as persons. While not allowed to run wild and be undisciplined, children are to be respected, loved, protected, and guided. Through the years I’ve seen both extremes. Some Christian parents are overly permissive. They allow the children to “rule the roost,” setting essentially no boundaries for language or conduct. This type of parenting is cruel; it is a form of child abuse. The other extreme is the dominant, demanding, and insensitive parent. These people often excuse themselves by referring to the last half of this verse while completely ignoring the first. Not only is this poor exegesis, it is poor parenting as well. The result of permissive parenting is children who are undisciplined and disrespectful to authority. The harsh, callused disciplinarian parenting style encourages lying, bitterness, and traumatized children who are scarred by their experience through life.

Therefore, Paul writes that fathers are not to provoke their children to anger. We can see the sensitivity in this command. The parent cares about the child’s response. His eye is on the person as much as the principle. He moderates his approach and discipline to be strong enough for the situation but not too intense. I have a friend who made a mistake when he was 16. He didn’t initiate the event but he was there when it happened. As a result there was a minor amount of legal trouble to deal with over the incident. His father’s response, however, was irresponsible, punishing his son unfairly. From my limited point of view, the father had no gauge to measure out his discipline and was too shortsighted to care what the impact would be in his son’s life. Well, the years have passed; the son grew to be an amazing Christian man who is very successful in his profession and relationships. I admire him. Yet even decades away from the incident with his father, there is still a degree of hurt because of the irrational discipline that he received.

There are other ways in which parents may provoke their children to anger. Unjust or inappropriate discipline is one way, showing favoritism is another. I know a family very well whose oldest son was the “fair-haired” child and the object of his mother’s love. The other child in the family got second best and honorable mention. This favoritism not only hurt the eldest son but infuriated the youngest child. As a result, the youngest never seems to live up to his expectations, feels like a second class citizen, and refuses to develop a close relationship with the elder sibling. Favoritism is inappropriate. Biblically, we see this in the relationship between Jacob and his brothers.

Still another way to provoke our children to wrath is through unimportant, petty, legalistic rules. I’ve seen teenagers finally have enough and turn completely against their parents and the parent’s faith. Trivial and small-minded rules, designed to control children’s actions exasperates them. Remember, parents are to seek to give their children roots and wings. Parental pettiness has the tendency to sink the child’s roots into very rocky and sandy ground that will cause them to be malnourished and easily blown over by the winds of life. If that doesn’t happen, legalistic and unreasonable standards push the child to develop wings too early. As a result we may have a child flying carelessly and making very painful landings. How can we parent our kids perfectly? We can’t. Our only real hope is to seek the filling of the Spirit and submit to Christ’s fullness living through us.

A final word on this, I’ve discovered that parenting doesn’t end when the last child leaves the nest. Someone once said that freedom could be defined as the last child marries and the dog dies. Well, let me simply say that parenting does not end when the children are adults and leave home. However, just as was the case when your children grew from infant to adolescence, your parenting style must change dramatically when your children are grown. You’ll find that your love for your children does not diminish and your desire to protect them remains very much intact. Nevertheless, it is easy to provoke your grown children to anger by offering advice when it is not requested, making suggestions that intrude into their lives, and either being too involved or too absent from their lives. The rule that I try to live by is to give advice when I’m asked and then to give no more that I’m asked to give. I think that it is preferable to ask questions and lead a grown child to his/her own conclusions rather than be too direct. It is also important to not play the part of the lone ranger riding into their lives at the least indication of problems in order to solve their issues and save them from their situation. Our children must learn and the school of hard knocks is often the best school for some things.

As you are parenting your children, take care not to provoke them to anger. That doesn’t help anyone and may scar the child for life. Parenting must be filled with praying. Also, seek wisdom from parents who have been there before you. You will not be a perfect parent but you can be a godly parent.


2 Peter 3:18
Dennis Newkirk

To read more from Dennis Newkirk click here.